Friends

Pautang. Hahaha.

My phone is seriously fucked up. There is no point of having it repaired ONCE AGAIN because the slightest budge will cause the screen to fuck up again. My brother threw/dropped/broke-it-on-purpose-so-I-could-buy-a-new-one my phone. And I really, really, really need my phone for school, especially when we have group meetings and stuff.

The cheapest phone I found on the internet is P3800.00, and right now I only have around P700.00 in piggy bank savings. How… sad.

Pautang, pahinging pera, whatever. I just need a new/slightly used/FUNCTIONAL phone. Dammit.

Angry

GOD, I HATE THIS PLACE.

Dream

I saw Mama Lorna. In my dreams. She bought me a new computer, and I was so grateful cos she didn’t have that money to spend. Then she hugged me tight and cried. And I cried.

I’m still guilty about the last night I was with her. She woke me up in the middle of the night making so much noise cos she couldn’t breathe. I went back to sleep. She was in pain and I didn’t even bother to get up.

Passion tablets

If you’re tired and can’t sleep, there are sleeping pills.

If you’re gay and want boobs, there’s estrogen.

If you’re horny and want to last longer, there’s Viagra.

There’s something for everything, but if you’re feeling lifeless, what do you take?

I’m not pretending to be emo or anything, I’ve just been feeling dull for the longest time.

I need to be passionate about something. Anything.

Bekeysyon ni Lola

This morning, I was watching a Celine Dion concert on DVD when my lola joined me. The finale was a very beautiful presentation of My Heart Will Go On.

*In the middle of the song…*
Lola: “Satanic yan, Chass.”
Me: (no comment)

I wondered what she had againts Celine Dion and why she thought her song was satanic.

Lola: “Satanic yan, diba?”
Chass: “Ewan ko lang…”
Lola: “Yung barko-barko…”

I realized that she meant: “Sa Titanic”

Whew, akala ko kampon ng kadiliman si Celine.

Another story:

*When we drove by 7-11 (F. Ocampo)*

Lola: “Uy, eleben-eleben! Matagal nakong hindi nakakita niyan, wala kasi ganyan sa Cebu…”
Tita: “Hahaha, nanay talaga. Seven-eleven!”

I love it when lola’s here.

The day after I said “I quit”.

I am uninspired. I am uninspired because I am unhappy. I am unhappy in UP Los Baños. Everyday, I walk around the campus wondering what the point of it all is. I am not doing well in school because I have NOTHING TO DO IT FOR.

I envy my friends so much because they all know what they are doing. Caress is doing her computer thing at Mapua. Christian is med tech-ing it in UST. Phoebe and Shan seem happy with their apple-green lanyards. My other friends, though I don’t fully appreciate it, are busy nurse-ing it up.

Me? I am taking Human Ecology.

And everytime I say it, it is followed by: “Human Ecology… ano yun?”

And you know what, I don’t know what it is. I really don’t.

My mom says I should take Mass Communications. In UP Diliman. She says I should transfer. So I checked their website and it said that my GWA must be 2.25 or better. In high school, that’s around 85 or 80, maybe. In Chassagne, that’s “holy-fucking-shit, I won’t qualify”.

I haven’t been making good grades. I am not failing (though I failed basic math), but I am not doing great either. I am merely passing courses for the sake of not having to take them again.

And now that I am thinking about doing what makes me happy, I can’t. Because I wasn’t happy enough to do great last semester, and I am still not happy enough to be doing well this semester, I can’t move to Diliman and just be fucking happy.

I don’t even have friends that will make me think twice about moving to a different school. I know a lot of people but I am not friends with any of them. It’s hard to open up and be close to people when they’re all settled and comfortable and you’re still struggling. I even think they see me as a snob or a boring person because I rarely speak unless spoken to, but ask my real friends, I never stop yapping and laughing.

I chose BS Human Ecology in UPLB because they didn’t offer much for my interest. It was all about engineering or math or science, and everything else I don’t have.

I didn’t make it in Diliman the first time because I was hurt and distracted when I took the test.

I won’t make it in Diliman this time because I am still distracted.

I am smart. I know it. But I am not smart when I don’t know what I am doing things for.

How I wish I knew what I wanted, it’s exhausting to be confused all the time.

Shet.

Nininirvana ako. Now I get why everyone’s crazy about Slumdog Millionaire.

Nirvana, shet shet shet.

The ending was just…

Shet tangina.

Ang hot nung hinalikan niya muna yung scar.

Favorite scene: the poop jump

Chassagne Yaoyao…

… has lost interest.
… is uninspired.
… is greatly affected by things around her
… is leaving this blog.

Bye.

I want to…

move back to my old Xanga

because I can’t put music codes here. (annoyed)

I waited fourteen minutes for a burger I was going to give away.

This is how thoughts run inside my head: random and incoherent.

My dad is leaving for work tomorrow. It has been like this ever since; he would only be home only a couple of months every year. This vacation was longer than usual because he had an operation. He’s been home since June and now that he’s finally leaving, I’m really sad. I should have gotten used to it now, I’m not supposed to feel anything. But oh dear god am I sad.

I was rushing home a couple of hours ago so that I could see my dad before he leaves. I wanted to pee so I went inside KFC (Calamba) to use the toilet. It was very clean and complete with toilet paper and stuff, so I decided to buy something because it would be mean to just got there for the toilet. Every single person behind the counter moved like they were on the surface of the moon. I stood in line for about 11 minutes and when it was finally my turn I ordered a burger meal. They asked me to wait five minutes but I already waited for eight minutes (annoyed), then the bus I was supposed to board left without me. I wanted to throw a fit but I couldn’t, I never could, because I am reserved (a politically correct term for turtle-shy). I mean, how long does it take to assemble a damn burger?

So when I was finally moving along with my travel this kid (who handed out envelopes asking for money) wanted my burger. I took a bite and gave it to him.

I just wasn’t in the mood to argue.