Boy fucking crazy.

I am happy now. I love my dorm, I love my roommates, I honestly enjoy my classes (though I find Chemistry15 and Statistics1 very hard), and I love being involved in an organization. I made a lot of changes this year, and now I’m just plain happy.

Well, that’s at least until Barbs and I start talking and ranting about why we don’t have boyfriends, how unfair it is that ugly girls have one but we don’t, and how things always start with a guy and it’s just that. It just starts, and it gets all kilig, and poof, it’s Koko Krunch. It’s sad to think that my last relationship was asdjklf4873e4632789rydjsk. God. I need a guy. I’m gathering dust here! Spiders are making freaking cobwebs around me! God!

I often talk to a friend about this (Armani), and he says that it’s because I make it seem like I have impossible standards, and it is kind of intimidating. Someone finds me intimidating?! Wow, even I would be intimidated by myself because apparently, I am intimidating. Gosh, I didn’t realize that. I always thought it’s because I’m fat. :| Well, anyways… Armani started to teach me the “boy-luring” techniques. He told me to start posting pictures of myself doing the infamous “Friendster pose” (He says “Magpaka-baduy ka nga kahit minsan. Masyado kang anti-baduy eh.” and I was like “Ew, fuck no!”) And that’s when I realized… I do have impossible standards. I am very judgemental. Gosh, my penthouse in hell awaits my arrival. I don’t get it. Hindi naman ako mahilig sa sobrang gwapo. Gusto ko HOT. Barbs and I agreed on our qualifications. He has to be tall and malaman (in short, YUMMY). And must wear nice shoes. And nice shirts, and perfectly-sized pants. And, I think most girls would agree, wears boxers or boxer briefs. Dapat din suplado, yung hindi masyadong nagsasalita around other people, but secretly bubbly. Maraming alam na bagay, hindi lang acads o dota o anime. One big turn off na napag-usapan din pala namin is yung vain guys. Ew My God. EMG. No, please, no. Bakla much? Mas hot talaga yung effortless, yung tipong he just happened to wear the first thing he grabbed from his drawer and still ended up drool-worthy. O tama na, nag-advertise na ako dito, kasama pa ang underwear preference.

Yun lang. Gusto lang kasi ni Barbs magkaroon ng ComArtsSoc shirts na pang mag-shota.

Yung pang-female, sabi “I’M HARD TO GET”

Yung pang-male naman, “BUT I GOT HER”

Tapos maglalakad kayo sa labas, suot niyong dalawa yan.

Tanginang kabaduyan yan.

But what’s sad is sometimes BADUY feels so much better than nothing at all. :|

Tangina pengeng boylet.

Another bitter post

Around this time last year, I was excited to apply to UP. A year has already passed and I am STILL thinking about applying. For shifting, that is. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. I am really thinking about moving to Diliman. Now, I kind of regret that I didn’t think before committing to something that doesn’t even make me happy. It’s going to be hard to move, if ever things go well. Dammit. I hate that college is so complicated. I just got so used to the idea of a fixed schedule, just like in high school. You go through a school year, and after that, you move on to another level. There’s only one option. Everyone takes the same subjects, everyone moves in a uniform pace. In college kasi, you pick your path and you pick your pace. Move slow, and you get left behind feeling like a big pile of steaming crap. College is about freedom, and for some reason I just can’s stand it. Liberty kasi is so overwhelming. Remember that scene from Finding Nemo, when Nemo and his school friends reached the vast part of the ocean? The water was so blue and it appeared endless, there’s nothing in it, no corals, no rocks. There were no landmarks, you could easily get lost and you might never ever find your way back. It’s really scary. That’s how I see freedom in college. If only I could choose, I’d rather have my high school schedule back. I can’t stand college. I feel like I’m stuck, you know, like a claustrophobic stuck in an elevator. I feel so uneasy all the time. If only I passed Diliman the first time, I wouldn’t have wasted a year of my life. If only.

What won’t I give for a secured and sheltered life?

Public Transportation

The horrors of public transportation: traffic, pollution, and spit.

I sat behind this man who was spitting every 45fuckingseconds and I was so scared that the wind would blow his spit to my face. What sane person would spit in public, while on a public vehicle? It’s unethical. There must be some kind of virus or whatever behind the spitting, but it sure isn’t reason enough to go spit anywhere.

I so can’t wait to get rich and drive my own fucking car so I can ran over jaywalkers and public-spitters. Plus, I get to cut my three-hour commute from Los Baños to Las Piñas in half. My nose will sure be clean when I get home.

Vague

Vague-ity. Vague-istic. Vague-atious. I hate how words that end in -ness end up sounding cutesy  so vagueness just won’t work for me tonight.

I hate how I am too excited about new things that it totally blinds me and I end up regretting things that I once considered the biggest and most important thing in my life. I just sat there pretending I was interested and giving stupid half-smiles and ended up pretending to be busy. I hate it.

I hope I wake up tomorror in a good mood.

New Thing.

Mental FUCKING Torture.

 

But uh, all will be perfect soon enough.

For people who find farting a delightful experience.

A couple of weeks ago in a class, we were asked to introduce ourselves. I said the usual things, and I got the usual reaction I expect from people after hearing my name for the first time. We were also asked about our hobbies and so I said mine. I just got so annoyed after hearing so many: “I love sleeping and eating (plus a goofy smile).” In a school like this you expect to hear something like: “I read, and after reading I read some more, and if I still have time, I read.” Sometimes I feel bad for always thinking that I am not smart enough to be here. But moments like that make me think that I am, hands down, the brightest in the class.

A hobby is something you enjoy doing often, something like painting, paper-folding, or maybe even watching porn or something. But sleeping and eating are biological necessities, just like farting. Get the point? I cannot stand it when people consider it as a hobby just to have something to say. And it’s not like you get some sort of emotional orgasm after eating or sleeping. God, sometimes people are just stupid.

Another topic.

I have a new thing. And I am really happy about it. I hope it goes well, and if it really does, I might not even consider Diliman anymore. I love hearing “Sha-san!” in a magical “Tenen!” tone.

In need of sensitivity training.

Exactly a week ago I was with my mother driving around in Batangas. I came home only to find out that a close relative was in the hospital. It didn’t really shock me at that moment; she has always been sickly and weak. To be honest, I didn’t really care at that time. I was more interested in the goings-on at Friendster and the Perez Hilton than the fact that something really bad was happening. My father had to literally drag me to the hospital to check on my relative.

We arrived at the hospital’s emergency room. I was shocked to see my tita in that condition. She looked at us with deep eyes while having a hard time breathing, like she’s never been that tired in her entire life. It was such a pain for me to see her like that, and add to that my fear of blood, injuries, hospitals, and anything that involves physical pain. If I were to choose between the worst heartbreak and a mild injury, I’m quite confident that I’d live through the former rather than the latter. The most terrifying place I could think of is an emergency room. It’s never out of terrified patients, panicked relatives, dying people, blood, and medical staff who couldn’t even pretend to give a damn.

So anyways, I was there in the emergency room suffering at the sight of my tita who was suffering even more. There was an old man in the next cubicle who was, as I saw it, dying. His daughter could only sit closely and caress him. I thought about the time my father would grow old and I would be in that lady’s position. I shuddered at the thought. I cannot imagine life without my father. I don’t think I could ever love a man as much as I love him…

I had to go back to Los Baños the next day. I only learned the updates on my tita through texts. She was transferred to the ICU. The doctors had been telling my cousin to be prepared for the worst. My tita has been so sick that there had been so much complications – she needed dialysis, she needed a pacemaker, she had diabetes, she had pneumonia, she had gall stones, and on top of that she wasn’t strong enough for any kind of operation. I felt really bad at the thought of losing my tita. She took care of me when my parents separated. I grew up under her care; I even call her Mama. I felt even worse when I realized that my last thought of her was that she was a pain in the ass. She and her daughter had been living at our house for months now and since then I’ve never had my OWN room; I had to share it with them. I felt like she was depriving me of my privacy.

I was preparing myself for her death. Instead of praying for her I scared myself with thoughts that she would haunt me in my apartment (in Los Baños) – nothing scarier than an apparition. How insensitive of me to think about her ghost when she was still struggling to live. Everytime me phone rang I was expecting someone to tell me she was gone. I went into thinking about details: her funeral plans, burial plans, everything.

My insensitivity really bothered me. For the first time in months I went inside a church and actually prayed. I couldn’t remember the last time I went inside a church out of my own will. I don’t think I ever did.

After six days in the ICU she’s finally back in a regular room. She’s recovering now and I mean it when I say I thank the Big Guy.

I promise.

I promise I am not going to do any politicking anymore. I promise to be honest from now on. I swear on my soul I am not doing this again. It’s been bothering me for days now and I think I am SO CLOSE to getting caught. I don’t want to burn, I don’t want to prove that Alighieri was right. No. No. I could remember breathing with ease without secrets like this.

Morgan bless my soul.

I can find a good use for the word FUCK.

Okay, so I’m here in some computer shop in Tambo, Paranaque. I seriously don’t know why I can’t get internet reception something something at my mom’s house. Today is the scheduled day to finalize matters under UPLB Systemone. I don’t fully understand how that works, basta all I know is that if I dont work on it now, I might lose some of the FIFTEEN units I managed to get. So I decided to take a quick shower and check my Systemone account in the first internet shop that crosses my path.

I entered the gates of hell. This is by far the filthiest computer shop I have ever been to. It’s so fucking smelly here. (Well this is Tambo, whaddya expect?) The smell of unwashed dogs and dried dog pee is just too much. But the internet connection at my mother’s house is down and I haven’t gotten my required dose of internet for two days so here I am. It’s so fucking smelly I seriously have to control my breathing to one-minute intervals in order not to suffocate to death. I am surrounded by unbathed boys who seemed so glued to their games that they look like they haven’t showered for days. I am suffering as I type and this nasal torture is enough to overwhelm my grief caused by…

FAILING MATH.

Can you NOT believe it? I failed math. I know, I can’t NOT believe it either. I kind of expected it in a way but I am still shocked by it. I know I don’t study and all, but I have never failed anything I never exerted effort on. I had fifteen units under Systemone and as I was about to secure my slots I noticed there were only twelve left. My next Math got cancelled and I could only think of one reason why. I now I have to repeat college algebra. So fucking believable, right?  Wow, shocker. I am going to fall behind. I am underloaded and I still have to repeat a subject. I don’t understand why Systemone only gave me FIFTEEN fucking units to begin with when everyone I know has twenty. I didn’t even get a slot in Human Ecology 2 when I am fucking taking  Human Ecology. UP for me is so great in a way that I don’t even feel that I am in a public school. We don’t lack classrooms and teachers and we aren’t deprived of proper education but I have come to realize that even UP isn’t perfect. They can’t give you all the subjects you need. I don’t even think I can do the prerog thing they do because my schedule is too weird. Nothing will fit in between subjects. This is just great.

I could think of one solution: STI College, the college that deserves students who fail College fucking Algebra.

STI, here I come. Bwahaha!

I don’t even know what STI stands for.

Because there are no malls in Laguna

I’ve been thinking about transferring to UP-Diliman next year so that I could take up Business. I’ve actually made a mental pro-con list and I’ve noticed that my list concentrates on partying and having fun and not on my academic future.

PRO

1. I could finally live in a more civilized area.

2. I would be in QC all the time.

3. I could have city-people friends and who like the same things I do, therefore I wouldn’t have to feel guilty of pretending to find the LAMEST jokes funny and I wouldn’t have to exert all of my efforts in pretending to be demure and trying so hard not to cuss.

4. I could be with old friends whenever I want to.

5. Diliman sounds better than Los Baños.

6. I could go partying. Yey for me!

7. I could take a course without thinking: Where on earth would this take me?

8. I could live at home…

9. …or I could also live in QC which would be way cooler than living in Los Baños

10. I could wear sunglasses without looking like a city-bitch.

CON

1. I love UP-Los Baños.

2. If I transfer to Diliman, I would have to start all over again. I stress ALL OVER AGAIN. All over again. Over again. AGAIN. Again.

3. I’ve already made friends in Los Baños and I would have to start with only Saleem in Diliman.

4. Academics-wise, Diliman is harder, I think.

So there. My ratio of pros to cons is 10:4 which means that I should really consider transferring. I probably will IF the grades I made in Los Baños will not be laughed at in Diliman.