Cos I’m like… so important.
30 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in Random
Blog, I’m glad you took me back. I guess you forgot all about me, so let me introduce myself again.
I submitted this paper last week for Psychology1, and I’mma post it, cos I’m tinatamad like tangina to use my brain cells to come up with something to write. And since I’m self-centered and all, I figured my life story should be of interest to some peopleses.
Nah, wala lang talaga akong mai-post.
Here ya go.
The paper with the lamest title ever, Hello :)
As all self-introductions begin, I’m going to start with this: Hi, my name is Chassagne. I bet you paused for a while there. All my life, I have been seeing people and their confused faces after hearing my name for the first time. I have gotten used to introductions where I have to repeat myself until they understand me. So here, let’s just have it. My name is Chassagne, as in Shasan. Not Tsasan, not Tsaseyn, but Shasan. In the past I have had a number of unsuccessful introductions where people end up calling me these completely different names like Jas, Cheska, and Susan, and of course I get annoyed and then I give them my signature Evil Glare. Sometimes, in order to spare myself of the trouble during insignificant encounters, I introduce myself using the most common name I can think of, like Jessica.
You may be wondering why I have this peculiar name, in the first place. Well, you see, my parents work in a cruise ship, where they have been exposed to all sorts of European what-nots. By then they probably thought it would be cool or something to name their children after pricey juices of fermented fruits. So, their first child was named after a French white wine called Chassagne Montrachet. I’m thankful that they did not give me a second name because it would have been too much. My brother, who followed three years after, was named after a champagne called Chandon. But of course my parents wanted things to be overly European, so they added extra letters. My brother was then named Chandogne.
Looking back, I could say that I had a satisfying childhood. Our family had enough resources to live comfortably. My brother and I were able to go to good schools and all our needs were met. I could remember my old room with all my books, clothes, and toys, which I’m sure, would make any child materially happy and satisfied. However, it was not a perfect childhood. Since my parents worked abroad, they would only be home for around two months in a year. Sometimes, they wouldn’t even be home at the same time, so we usually only spent time with one parent at a time. Nevertheless, I was not deprived of love and attention because my parents made sure they could call and send letters to know how we were doing.
There was this part of my childhood that I couldn’t remember clearly. I was about seven then when my parents started to bicker and argue a lot even over the smallest things. Then they started to openly fight in front of me and my brother. Before I realized it, my parents were separated.
Then my life changed A LOT. It was the part of my childhood that I don’t really like remembering. It was so difficult for a seven-year-old to deal with having to move to a new place and deal with relatives you only talk to at rare occasions. It was so inconvenient for a young child to have to cope with emotionally-unstable adults who, instead of protecting you from the mess they created, confused you with thoughts of having to pick a side. And the toughest part, it was too early for a little girl to be forced to grow up and stand as a parent to her toddler brother.
It was not easy, but I have learned to accept what has become of my family. I never allowed myself to use it as a reason to live miserably or use it as an excuse to fail. I started to live happily again by taking pride in my achievements in school. It took me three schools and three best friends to finish elementary.
High school was a great phase in my life. I consider it to be the peak of my young life. As my old friends would call it, high school was orgasmic. It is there that I met friends that are dear to me until now. It is there that I learned things that I believe I would not have learned anywhere else. It greatly influenced my life and is a big part of who I am and what I have become now. I breezed through my high school with love and laughter. There are many things that I would never forget about high school, I had a lot of first times there, and things that I want to forget too, like the embarrassments and humiliations. As cheesy as it may sound, I will forever treasure the memories from my high school. Our graduation day signalled the start of the rest of our lives.
I was lonely when I entered UPLB. I was lonely because deep inside I wanted to be somewhere else, doing something else. I felt so alone in a big scary place, because all of my friends went to schools in Manila. I wasn’t supposed to be here, in the first place. I was supposed to be in De La Salle, studying things that are of great interest to me. But I am here because UP will forever be UP. It chooses people, and it slaps you in the face with all these concepts of pride and prestige and how it is the only right choice. It makes you feel that if you choose another, you are as stupid as hell because you just let go of the best, and therefore you will never become the best. UP yun eh. But, I did not allow myself to believe that bullshit. Yes, this is an excellent school, the most excellent school, perhaps, but I know that there are other excellent schools out there. It was alright for me to settle for the next thing in line rather than to squeeze myself in a hole where I don’t fit.
To cut it short, I was really unhappy last year. I made mediocre grades because I did not get the point of doing things for something I didn’t understand. I was merely taking courses for the sake of not having to take them again. I was uninspired and I let it take me down. I tried to be happy, but I was too lonely to do so.
However, I did a lot of thinking and realized that I am very fortunate to be studying here. I also realized that I was wasting my time and my happiness on regret, whereas I could be happy with the great thing I already have. I joined an organization and tried to do better. It worked. I made a lot of new friends and now, I am really happily in love with UPLB.
A few months ago, I celebrated my eighteenth birthday with the best party of my life. All of my friends from the different phases of my life were there. My family was there. It was just the best. And now, I really am an adult. I legally matter to the world now. I can do whatever I want now. That one single birthday made so much difference. I’m free to live my life the way I want it to be.
In the eighteen years that I have walked the earth, breathed the air, and lived The Life, I have felt and still continue to feel that I have a rich life. Yes, I am very rich with love, joy, and my precious relationships with people in my life. Everything I experienced, including the hardships, are big contributing factors to what I have become.
I remember a quote my boyfriend shared to me. I can’t recall the exact words (well, if he were here he would mock me about how I can’t recall anything because of my dull memory), but it goes something like: A person’s epitaph contains two significant details: his birthday and the day of his death. But what many people fail to realize is that there is something more significant than those two dates. It is that little hyphen in between, which signifies the person’s life.
I have been living my hyphen for eighteen years now, and I would like to believe that I still have a long, long way to go. When I die, I want that epitaph to feature the life I have lived. My ultimate goal in life is to be so happy that when my life ends, people would not be pained to remember my birthday, or cry at the thought of my death, but instead, they will celebrate that tiny line in between.
