The day after I said “I quit”.

I am uninspired. I am uninspired because I am unhappy. I am unhappy in UP Los Baños. Everyday, I walk around the campus wondering what the point of it all is. I am not doing well in school because I have NOTHING TO DO IT FOR.

I envy my friends so much because they all know what they are doing. Caress is doing her computer thing at Mapua. Christian is med tech-ing it in UST. Phoebe and Shan seem happy with their apple-green lanyards. My other friends, though I don’t fully appreciate it, are busy nurse-ing it up.

Me? I am taking Human Ecology.

And everytime I say it, it is followed by: “Human Ecology… ano yun?”

And you know what, I don’t know what it is. I really don’t.

My mom says I should take Mass Communications. In UP Diliman. She says I should transfer. So I checked their website and it said that my GWA must be 2.25 or better. In high school, that’s around 85 or 80, maybe. In Chassagne, that’s “holy-fucking-shit, I won’t qualify”.

I haven’t been making good grades. I am not failing (though I failed basic math), but I am not doing great either. I am merely passing courses for the sake of not having to take them again.

And now that I am thinking about doing what makes me happy, I can’t. Because I wasn’t happy enough to do great last semester, and I am still not happy enough to be doing well this semester, I can’t move to Diliman and just be fucking happy.

I don’t even have friends that will make me think twice about moving to a different school. I know a lot of people but I am not friends with any of them. It’s hard to open up and be close to people when they’re all settled and comfortable and you’re still struggling. I even think they see me as a snob or a boring person because I rarely speak unless spoken to, but ask my real friends, I never stop yapping and laughing.

I chose BS Human Ecology in UPLB because they didn’t offer much for my interest. It was all about engineering or math or science, and everything else I don’t have.

I didn’t make it in Diliman the first time because I was hurt and distracted when I took the test.

I won’t make it in Diliman this time because I am still distracted.

I am smart. I know it. But I am not smart when I don’t know what I am doing things for.

How I wish I knew what I wanted, it’s exhausting to be confused all the time.