Mother’s Day Message for Myself
14 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thoughts
When I was three, my dream was to become a nanny.
When I was five, I wanted to become a doctor.
When I was ten, I fancied myself being a figure skater.
When I was fourteen, I was convinced that I’d take any kind of job, as long as it would take me around the world.
When I was eighteen, I suddenly had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
Looking back at all the dreams I’ve dreamed, I come to realize that I haven’t really done anything to achieve any of them. I haven’t gotten close to becoming a doctor, a traveler, or a figure skater… not even a nanny. I guess I just aspired for things for a while, and then I forgot.
It’s sad to think about the irony that I seem to be losing the ability to figure out what I want to become as I get older. It always makes me wonder if I’ll ever get to make a good career for myself. I mean, how could a person even succeed when he doesn’t even know what he wants in the first place?
When I turned twenty a few months ago, I felt the pressure to forge a dream for myself even more. This is very hard for me because I don’t have that one thing I’m good at. I’m capable of a lot of things, but I’m not the “great” at something. I’m one of the few people who struggle with the simple question: “What is your talent?” –Where do people like me go?
For years, I’ve battled with insecurities about my future. It was even more difficult when my batchmates recently stated graduating and making a living for themselves. I got a bitch slap for every graduation portrait or employment status update they posted online. Their achievements hurt me more than it should make me glad. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more left out.
I thought about my impending life and career choices, but I still came up with nothing. I had no idea what I would like to spend my life doing.
And so, I just tried to imagine what kind of life I’d like to have for myself. And then, it hit me.
What I want, more than anything, is to be a mother.
I realized that this is what I wanted all along. I thought that the question “What do you want to do?” does not only mean work and career stuff. Now I realize that all this time, I was certain about something big in my life. I don’t think most people my age think about this yet, and I would like to think that this time, I’m not behind, but actually ahead.
I always fancied myself having a nice little family, you know, raising a few kids with whoever I end up with. I think that the difficulties from my childhood is what made me long for this more than a normal person does. Growing up, I always yearned for an endearing and nurturing figure in my life. I guess that absence is what makes me want to be a good parent someday. I always thought I’d fit that role of a homemaker, decorating the house, keeping the order, moving around my kitchen like Nigella Lawson…
I could get lost in my thoughts of how amazing it would be to have my family someday, and this entry would never end. I think what I’m trying to say is that… I realized that I have always known what I want. Work and career only comes next to family, and some people fail to see that. I will not make the same mistake of not setting my priorities straight.
Now, I don’t really mind not knowing what my career would be. I think I’d be okay just dreaming and aspiring for a while. I’m still young. I have plenty of time to dream, forget, make mistakes, and do better. I know that I will be fine, as long as I know the kind of life I want to live.
Now that I’m twenty, I am certain that I want to be one of those women they dedicate a special day to.
I plan to fail more often.
20 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
I try. I always try.
Actually, more importantly, I deliver. I always deliver.
This summer, I took a job to keep myself occupied. I actually wanted to work for reasons more than earning myself some money to burn. I wanted to keep being responsible and organized during a season I usually spend gaining more weight and getting dark.
I got obsessed with the idea of being productive this vacation that I actually applied for another job, so that I could work some more after getting home from work. I managed to pass the training and get hired right away.
That was good news for me until earlier today. I was subtly informed that I take more responsibilities than I can handle.
Today I had plans. Today I had commitments. Today I was so sure I could be my usual self and carry out everything expected of me.
I tried, but for some reason, the universe worked against me, and so I failed.
I tried hard, and apparently that wasn’t enough reason for me to be spared from being accused of ”making excuses”.
The one time I failed you people. You didn’t even let the chance of making me feel bad pass this one time.
I should fail you all more often so that the expectations set for me are realistic and… humane.
All the Damn Nickels in the World
11 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Bitching
If I had a nickel for every time I came up with an “If I had a nickel for every time…” list about the things you do to hurt, anger, or irritate the sanity out of me, then I would be a very wealthy woman.
I hate how you never seem to get how much I hate hearing your apologies. This is not because I’m a crazy unforgiving person, but because you are a crazy compulsively faulty person. It sometimes makes me think that you get some sort of sick fulfillment over hurting me. You seem to be getting more fun out of the nagging bitch I am when you hurt me than the pleasant person I am when you make me happy.
If I had a nickel for every time you said “Sorry”, “I will make it up to you”, and “I promise I will change”, then nobody else could ever collect a nickel for every time they did something, because I would have all the damn nickels in the world.
Dark thoughts about scary monsters
09 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Nauseatingly Girly, Random, Yang
A close friend recently shared her relationship troubles with me. I was very surprised to hear all about the stress in their relationship because they’ve always been a couple that Brian and I looked up to. In fact, I feel that they greatly influenced us on how to handle a stable relationship. Most of the things I know about being a “good partner”, I learned from them. Imagine my surprise when I heard how bad things are getting for them now.
It is a very complicated and messy situation, and I guess the one thing I picked up from it is that CHANGE is one scary motherfucker.
Learning the concept of change is perhaps one of the hardest yet most important lessons in life. Through time, mankind attempted to put it into words, even making a lot of corny clichés about it along the way. “Change is the only constant thing in life” and all that blabber, but the thought remains the same. Change is a part of our humanity. The only thing we can do about it is to learn to live with it.
I was daunted by the thoughts of how change affected my friend’s relationship and how it could also affect mine. If it is powerful enough to strain her solid relationship of five years, then how much more damage is it capable of causing in mine?
I was deeply bothered by all this.
Brian and I have known each other for about four years now. We have been together for more than half of that time. Although I can say that I really know him, I can also say that I don’t.
Hmm. I don’t really know how to put this into words. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hate not knowing what kinds of change we could withstand, and what kinds of change will defeat us. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and I can say that we have a strong relationship, but I guess it’s just a part of my personality to prefer knowing things rather than be in doubt all the time.
As a couple, we currently feel all that “forever and ever“, “soulmates“, and all that mushy things people feel when in love, but we never really caged ourselves in that idea. We make sure that our relationship is open to change, while setting forever as our goal.
Anyways, as I was about to finish this post, my friend informed me that she and her boyfriend were able to fix whatever shit was going on between them. I suddenly lost the point of writing this entire post.
I learned a new lesson tonight:
While change is one powerful scary bitch…love is, too.
Hate post about a friend.
09 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
I was one of your first real friends.
I was there back when you were chubby, I was there when you hit puberty, I was there when you got alarmingly skinny. I was there for you every single day of your life.
I thought we had something real going on because you were there for me too. You were there when I was chubby, you were there when I hit puberty, and you were there when I got…alarmingly chubby. You were there for me every single day of my life. Or so I thought.
Now I hear all these things about you and I realize… I have no idea who you are. I do not know you at all, like every single part of your humanity was just an illusion to me. I was never your friend. You may have been my best friend but I was never your friend. If I were, then you would have at least tried to open up to me.
We have been through so much together in ten years. I always thought that nobody will ever understand our relationship except the two of us. I was wrong. This relationship is even more one-sided than that of a fangirl madly in love with Justin Bieber.
I hate you for not telling me anything. I hate you for keeping me thinking that you even would. I hate you for not even fighting with me about this. Remember how we used to fight about the stupidest of things?
Today I realized that you were my friend but I wasn’t yours.
The things I always leave unsaid
08 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
A panic arose in the family last week. One chatty bird thought it was wise to feed everyone with the idea that lolo is dying. Although I understood the concern, I could not bring myself to join the bandwagon and anticipate lolo’s death.
And so everyone, including titas and titos based abroad, went home to Cebu to be by lolo’s “deathbed”. I flew to Cebu right away and I was so surprised to see him sitting quietly by the balcony like he did every day for decades. He looked weak and skinny, but to me he definitely didn’t look like he was dying.
I observed him during the first few days of my stay and I thought he was developing some form of dementia. There were times when we tried to talk to him but he seemed lost and confused with his own thoughts. But then after a few days, he was back to his old quiet self, just weaker and older.
I felt that he was so happy to see everyone. As the head of the family, he was overjoyed to see all his children and grandchildren in his home. After all these years, he still does his part to head the family. At one point, he even asked lola to use his pension to buy a sack of rice because, he said “Nandito ang mga anak at apo ko. Ayaw kong magutom sila.”
It melted my heart. He still provided for the family the best way he could. He is always going to be a father to his family. He never stops taking care of his children despite the fact that he is the one who should be cared for now.
He lost everyone’s attention as quickly as he got better. For a while there, I even felt like I was on a nice vacation.
Then I realized that more than a week has passed and I was already packing to head back home. Lolo saw me collecting my things scattered all over the house, and he asked me where I was going. I told him that my flight was later that day and he seemed deeply saddened by this. Appalled, even. He was only informed a few hours before we were to leave. As always, he was the last to know. This is probably why that movie Everybody’s Fine (starring Robert De Niro) gave me that painful feeling in the gut.
I tried to talk to lolo before I left. There were many things I wanted to say to him, but it’s no surprise that I wasn’t able to say them. I was never good in talking to people. Not even my parents. I’ve probably written a thousand letters in my lifetime because it’s the only way for me to be able to express myself beyond the usual daily chatter.
I wanted to tell him to stop being depressed and to choose to be happy. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want him to die yet. I wanted to tell him that I already have tickets to see him in October, but I’m worried that he might not live ’til then. I wanted to tell him that I want him to see me graduate. I want him to be proud of me and my career. I want him to be there when I get married, and I want him to be there when his first great-grandchild is born. I just wanted to tell him to want to live. I want him to live longer for me and for all my selfish reasons.
But of course, I didn’t tell him any of this.
Instead I said, “Lolo, uuwi na ako sa Manila. Magpagaling ka na ha.”
I don’t think he’s a fan of letters, and so he’ll probably never know what I have to say.
The things I always leave unsaid.
Dear you,
28 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Rants
Stop:
a. stalking me
b. invading my privacy
c. using whatever information you get out of (a) and (b) and using them against me, eg: talking to others about it (I find out, and it’s annoying.)
JUST TALK TO ME.
You may not need an0ther child but I need you, you know.
BAH, nrly.
Rose is selfish.
04 Sep 2010 1 Comment
in Nauseatingly Girly, Random, Theories
I still come up with that same conclusion every single time.
There was enough space for Jack in that floating plank.
What tragedy.
But it’s still my most-watched film.
Beautiful Liar — not.
28 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Bitching, Nauseatingly Girly
Excuses are made by people who cannot own up to their actions. People like you.
I’ve heard some good ones from you. Some believable ones. But lately you’ve gone rusty.
Absurdity is your new theme, perhaps.
And I guess you insensitive fuck think so lowly of me to think your shit would pass as believable to me.
But oh well, this is life and we’ve set some stuff and I guess I’m stuck with a compulsive liar and you’re stuck with a nagging bitch. But oh well, this is life, this is you and me, this is us.
Oh, the littlest things we fight about.
I’m happy, you’re happy, we’re happy.
Tomorrow is another day.
The girl who cried “Putangina may ipis!”
15 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Random
So. I’m in the shower.
Halfway through. Often just a third of the way.
And…
Jenjenenen!
IPIS. Crawling in the corner. Planning its vicious attack on me. Plotting his flight straight to my face. Making sure of his every move so he could plant those fangs or whatever teeth or gums he has and pierce it through my skin.
Nah. Not really.
He’s just quietly crawls in the corner. Probably not even minding the massive girl squealing in terror.
But still, it’s a bug, you know?
So I get out of the bathroom and scream
PUTANGINA MAY IPIS.
Then someone comes to my rescue…
And the cockroach is nowhere to be found.
Not even a trace of it.
Not even his teensy feetprints.
And then again, I’m labelled the most paranoid person in the planet.
One day. One fateful day you fucking vermin will be caught by my rescuer.
And I will not be called crazy anymore.
Never ever.
I will find that warp hole you so conveniently enter as I call for help.
And I will not be called crazy anymore.
Never ever.
